Me: I am way more romantic than you, Mom. Mom: Just because you read all those romance novels? You haven't even had sex. Me: No, I meant that you just don't act romantic. I wasn't talking about sex. Mom: I've had more sex than you, so HA!

Mom: Do you think your father would take you to the chiropractor three days a week? Me: Do you want dad to take me? Mom: No, I just want to know if you think he would. Me: No, probably not. Mom: YES! I'm the better parent. Me: Are you really still competing for best parent? All of your kids are adults, and you've been divorced for years. Mom: The competition never ends. Now, tell me what he did for your brother's birthday.