Me: Mum, can I use the tuna in the fridge? Dad: What are you going to use it for? Me: (sarcastically) I'm going to smear it on my genitals. Dad: Mind the cat, that's the kind of pussy you don't want

(*Me, texting my Dad*) Me: So can I keep the cat inside the house? Dad: I'll have to ask the Magic Conch.

(Meow from outside door) Mom: I hear a kitty! (Opens door) Mom: Wait, where's the kitty? Was there ever a kitty? Am I on drugs?