(Grandma scolding me for having girlfriend's name tattooed on my arm.)
Grandma: You just wait until your grandfather sees it.
(Grandpa walks in the room and looks at tattoo.)
Grandpa: Oh... Wow, that looks way better then mine!
Me doing my bio-chem homework: Mom, do you know how to make DNA strands and put them through protein synthesis?
Mom: Well, I had sex with your dad and now we have you. That was the worst lesson of genetics I ever had to live through...
Me: Oh Jesus...
Genetic engineering has, at long last, made it possible to imagine a world without rhinoplasty.
(Somehow my mom and I ended up talking about penises, I was trying to change subject.)
Me: Anyways how was-
Mom: Just so you know you're not allowed to marry a man with a small penis.
Mom: Yeah. I don't want any small penises messing up our family genes.
Mom: What? Do you really want me to tell you about your father's?
Me: No! No, No. No.
Mom: Cause he was huuuuge!
Me: Oh my God, mom!
Me: I'm going to discipline my kids better when I have them. I'm going to lock them in a closet.
Mom: Oh... That's what I did with you...
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