Me doing my bio-chem homework: Mom, do you know how to make DNA strands and put them through protein synthesis? Mom: Well, I had sex with your dad and now we have you. That was the worst lesson of genetics I ever had to live through... Me: Oh Jesus...

(Grandma scolding me for having girlfriend's name tattooed on my arm.) Grandma: You just wait until your grandfather sees it. (Grandpa walks in the room and looks at tattoo.) Grandpa: Oh... Wow, that looks way better then mine!