(Dad and sister talking about people who tame monkeys.)
Sister: How come there are always birds when people with monkeys are putting on a show?
Dad: That's because the monkey tamers tame the monkeys to teach the birds to swoop down low whilst you are looking at the monkeys are steal your stuff
(This was a few years back while we were watching David Tennant on "Friday Night with Jonathan Ross")
Dad: If he can speak English properly, why dosen't he always do it?
Me: ... What? He is speaking proper English.
Dad: No he's not, he's got an accent. You can't speak proper English with an accent.
Me: Dad, I can't remember what RNA is!
Dad: Remember, RNA is sort of like an aggressive date.
Me: ... Huh?
Dad: It helps unzip your genes! Ha!
(Me brushing my teeth)
(Gargling, Dad walks in holds my nose and says)
Me: (Spits everything on him)
Dad: WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT! EVERYONE SWALLOWS IN THIS HOUSE!
Mom: That's right dear.
(Driving down the road nice and smoothly with my dad. Soon traffic hits and we come to an almost stop.)
Dad: What are we stopped for? A sex toy party?
Dad: I brake for edible underwear!
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