Dad: You know what I'll do when you bring a boy you like to meet me?
Me(a little worried): What?
Dad: I'll take him out into the yard to talk with him. Make him dig a hole, then bury him in it.
(My mom had just gone into the freezer for the 5th time in the last hour to get a cup of ice.)
Dad: Hey! If you keep doing that, you'll get addicted to the ice. From there, you'll move on to snow... Then you'll hit the hard stuff, like sleet.
Me: And hail after that?
Dad: Oh god... let's not go down that road...
(I just met my new step-brother 2 hours ago at my dad's house. We're both mid 20's adults. Dad and step-mom leaving to go to the store.)
Dad: Okay, we're leaving now.
Me: Alright, see you in a bit.
Dad: (Looks at me and step-brother) No having sex with each other.
Me: Oh my God, dad! Go!
(Driving down the road nice and smoothly with my dad. Soon traffic hits and we come to an almost stop.)
Dad: What are we stopped for? A sex toy party?
Dad: I brake for edible underwear!
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