When having a s**t, make sure you sit forward or you will lean back and the back of the toilet WILL be covered in brown stuff. #LFMF

Never shave your balls when you're in a pissy mood. Just don't. #LFMF

Even if you think that the cactus behind your table at the Texas Roadhouse is fake, it is still not a good idea to poke it. Cacti naturally look like plastic and cactus needles will naturally stick to your hand when touched. #LFMyFriend'sDad'sF

When at a sleepover party, know that your scary tolerance is much higher than most other people's. Do NOT suggest the movie Devil, unless you like sleeping with the lights on. #LFMF

Make plans for the summer, or your folks will make them for you. Said plans will include many difficult, tedious chores. #LFMF

When the instructions to your project say, "We recommend that you wear gloves when handling the metal straps," WEAR GLOVES, or deal with a pain 10x worse than a paper cut, on several fingers. To add insult to injury, you still have to finish the dang project. #LFMF

When your daughter shares your nook account because you don't trust her with a credit card and unlimited books, remember that she can see all of the books that you buy, ALL of them, in her library, too, before you buy the Fifty Shades Trilogy and several Nora Roberts novels. She knows more than you think she does. #LFMyMom'sF