Someone Became the Literal Party Pooper at This Girl's Sweet 16

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As many have been quick to point out, the color of this birthday-destroying dookie indicates that it was maybe even human - perhaps from a passing plane. Either way, the cake suddenly seems a little less appealing now.

So, How in the World Did This Painter Get His Dude-Bits Stuck in a Pipe for Two Whole Days?

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According to Lan Tien, "It was hot so I was painting the wall in the nude, and I slipped on the floor causing my private parts to fall inside the pipe that was protruding from the wall to take water outside from the air conditioning unit. Unfortunately, I got stuck as a result." One might use this as a teaching moment to talk about the safety of one's tally-whacker in the open air, but all we're left wondering is just HOW your jingle-jank can "fall" into an open pipe.

These are the mysteries of life, people.

Employees Fired After Leaving Coffin in Hearse to Get Coffee

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A hearse driver and funeral director made a pit stop, leaving the body and coffin of the veteran they were transporting in the hearse.  They were on their way to a funeral service and left the hearse waiting in the parking lot while they took a coffee break. Both employees were fired for this thoughtless and disrespectful move when it was brought to the attention of Veterans Funeral Care, the funeral home they were working for.

This Florida Newspaper Has the Most Unfortunate Ad Placement in Recent Memory

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Tragedy struck in a Jacksonville community when two young men opened fire in a school bus and shot two students. 

But then this happened.

Yikes.

That's a sticker advertisement (placed on the front page of each issue) for an upcoming gun show, offering discounted admission to those interested. In a statement from a Times-Union Audience Relationship representative, the paper formally apologized for what has to be the worst case of coincidental timing imaginable.