You're welcome, young stranger! Unless this is spam in which case go die in a fire.

From the submitter:

This continued for several more messages. It got to the point where she actually thought that I died.

Machete doesn't care about your fool contacts list, either.

From the submitter:

I was afraid to ask anyone else

Maybe you could go back in time and text Hitler's grandson. You've been given a terrible curse, but it could also be a great gift. With great power comes great responsibility etc. etc.